Star Wars – HR Style

So, today, I’m inspired by pants and Star Wars…

If you haven’t already seen it there is a long flourishing underground trend of reproducing lines from Star Wars, but substituting in the word pants – Star Wars Pants Jokes

An example would be 

I sense a great disturbance in the pants’. 

#HRStar Wars

My mind softly ambled one day, whilst thinking about the JediHR trend , lovingly curated by Michael Carty, as to how different some of the lines in Star Wars might be if uttered by a stereotypical HR Professional. 

Feel free to add your own contributions in the comments.

OriginalMos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
HR Version: The facilities aren’t really up to scratch on that site – and the workforce is more diverse in terms of capability and behaviour than in other areas

Original tear this ship apart until you’ve found those plans. And bring me the passengers, I want them alive!
HR version:  I don’t really feel comfortable doing a locker search and we haven’t communicated that we do random bag searches for some time now. Can we get comms to send out a note?

Original: The Force is strong with this one
HR Version: We all seem agreed that this is a ‘one to watch’ in terms of our future talent and succession pipeline, given the right support and structured development

Original I find your lack of faith disturbing
HR Version: I’d just like to take everyone back to that really productive day we had at the offsite. We had plenty of momentum and you all agreed to back decisions more wholeheartedly as a group. It’s a little bit disappointing to hear you raising concerns so late in this process

Original You don’t need to see his identification … These aren’t the droids you’re looking for 
HR version: I assume you need to see, at the very least, proof of right to work in the UK and evidence of employment history

Original: You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take her away!
HR Version: You had a very clear non compete clause in your contract that I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you of that

Original: The Jedi are extinct, their fire has gone out of the universe. You, my friend, are all that’s left of their religion.
HR Version: We had so much attrition in that one business area that we’ve decided it is best to move to more of a virtual team model

Original:Always two there are
HR Version: We do keep clear succession in mind when budgeting, particularly for business critical roles that may impact continuity 

Original: The tractor beam is coupled to the main reactor in seven locations. A power loss at one of the terminals will allow the ship to leave.
HR Version: I didn’t really understand it, but apparently there’s some stuff IT need to sort out before we can move forward

And finally:

Original: I can’t get involved. I’ve got work to do. It’s not that I like the Empire; I hate it, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now… It’s all such a long way from here.
HR Version: I’m disengaged

(and kudos to @HRGem for “aren’t you a little short for a HR Manager?”)

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2 thoughts on “Star Wars – HR Style

  1. Original: Your powers are weak, old man.
    HR Version: The default retirement age has been phased out and most people can now work for as long as they want to. This means we can’t set a compulsory retirement age.

  2. Original: Now witness the power of this fully operational battle station!
    HR Version: We have all our procedures in place that will stop them in their tracks

    Original: That’s impossible!
    HR Version: Sorry we don’t have a procedure covering that

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